If a killer asteroid was on a crash course with Earth, and nothing could be done to change it, should the government tell us? Some experts think not.

Then again, most believe that it would be impossible to keep it a secret, as amateur astronomers would find it out as well.

What would you do if the world was ending in six months?

My ex-boyfriend the veterinarian came over for dinner yesterday. The conversation fell to cases he’s had where the animal had either been intentionally drugged (blowing pot smoke into a cat’s face), or gotten into the master’s stash (a dog that ate the owner’s cocaine).

Anyway, the funniest story was that of a Shitsu that drank an entire beer which had allegedly been spilled. In case you didn’t know, dogs tend to like beer. Anyway, this poor little thing, that was vomiting and having trouble standing up, was brought in by three humans who were quite enebriated themselves. The clinic kept the dog overnight and called the owners the next day to say the dog was now fine (other than a probable massive headache?). The owners had no idea what he was talking about. None could remember bringing - driving - the dog to the vet’s. They were actually looking for their pet when he called. Scary, eh?

I’ve had pets my whole life and never had anything like what I heard yesterday (dog ingesting underwear, cat eating - and successfully passing - a needle). No, wait. My German shepherd Mousse once ate a rosary. He chose to pass it at my grandparents’ place as they were watching mass on TV.

Ain’t life with pets grand?

Clip from The David Letterman Show, as shown on Larry King Live yesterday:

David Letterman: As you know, Saddam Hussein has invited George Bush to a live tv debate. We now have the Bush administration’s response. Watch:

(Patriotic American music, picture of the White House)
Voiceover: The White House has gladly accepted Bagdad’s invitation to a tv debate. The debate will follow a conventional format. It will start by a three-minute opening statement by Saddam Hussein…
(clip of Saddam Hussein speaking)
… and will be followed by a three-minute retaliatory statement by George Bush.
(clip of missiles over Bagdad, houses exploding, etc)

It was sadly funny.

Another guest blog from Dr. Wank… who gave us his comparison of Predator vs. Breakfast at Tiffany’s a little while back. This time, it’s Big Budget vs. The Independent. “Chicago” vs. “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”… Just so you know, I disagree with him about both movies. You should also know that Dr. Wank had a Big Fat Indian Wedding last summer. Here goes…

Chicago

Spectacular! Flashy! Sexy! Completely and utterly hollow and empty! Loud and obnoxious! Sorry, but I just can’t stand “BIG SINGING” as a means of expressing emotion. I just keep picturing the director flinging his arms up, screaming “Okay darling, now for this last line I want you to sing big! Big! BIG!!! Let’em see your tonsils honey!” Who’s idea was it that this yodelling-based communication system would be a good way to express humour or pathos? It’s cloying, irritating crap! And there’s no story to speak of! This movie is the perfect example of why they should rename the town Hollow-wood. Why can’t they make a big, sexy musical with good music? And a story. Oh, they did. Go see Moulin Rouge instead. Better yet, The Blues Brothers. THAT was a musical, my friends!

*deep breath* Okay, I’m over-doing it. While gratuitously gratuitous would be a good way to describe “Chicago”, I did have kind of a fun time. But there’s no way in HELL this deserves an Oscar for best film! If there was an Oscar for “best pair of h’h'hot chicks”, then it would definitely deserve that (actually, I’m pretty sure that is an MTV Awards category, so give ‘em that statuette!). Renee and Catherine are totally “sppprrrroing!”, but that does not a movie make.

One thing I did like was the slamming of the “trial by media” system we have in North America, portraying reporters as babbling string puppets and lawyers as ventriloquists controlling their clients’ every word. Very biting, especially coming from a musical. Ya, that part was good.

Richard Gere was a bad choice, though. He makes a surprisingly insipid slime-ball. I would have thought it was not much of a stretch for him, but I guess even with that he just can’t manage to actually act. Now me, I would have put Christopher Walken in there. He can dance better, and his attempts at smiling reassuringly would have had the appropriate withering effect that the role required. If you go see the movie, imagine Walken in the role, you’ll have a better time.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Possibly the most terrifying film of all time. Literally? Yes, literally.

It was like some kind of horrible flashback: The alien rituals, the crushingly uncomfortable social situations, the bright flashing colors, the aching stress etched on every smiling face, the multudinous, loud, food-obsessed horde… I kept wanting the scream at the guy “Quick! Run back to Rosie’s Café!”

Really this movie could be called “My Big Fat (Insert ethnicity here) Wedding”, as the stereotypes apply to a great many “traditional cultures”:

1. An obsession with food (”eat! eat!” Oh god! It’s in my head! It’s like nails on a chalk board! Make it stop! *claws own head open*)

2. The need to have every family member in the world around for every little occasion, thus increasing the discomfort of outsiders.

3. A clinging to ancient religious rituals that no one involved still believes in.

4. Patriarchal power structures clumsily overlaid on modern thinking, leading to bizarre indulgences of older men (e.g., people rarely tell them when they’re wrong, and no one ever tells them when their ideas are just plain loony) and subversive manipulation by everyone else.

Yeesh! Elope people! Elope!

*deep breath*
Okay, I’m overdoing it again. My wedding was fine. My wedding was fine happiest day of my life joyous occasion My wedding was fine happiest day of my life joyous occasion My wedding was fine…. [an hour passes]

Okay, I’m better now.

I’ve heard people complain that this movie is racist or prejudiced. But I disagree. The movie portrays a believable set of characters who have negative traits. That these people happen to be of a particular ethnicity doesn’t make it racist, as there’s no evidence in the film that the traits are tied to their ethnicity. Indeed, one distinctly gets the impression that you could substitute in any given “old world” group and get the same movie with different accents.

Essentially the film airs the dirty laundry of families that have an uncomfortable mix of old and new values. The heroine, Tula, wants to be a modern woman: Go to college, fall in love, etc. Her parents want her to marry a nice Greek boy and have babies. Stereotypical attitudes? Maybe, but highly prevalent ones, and I simply don’t see anything wrong with criticizing the kind of people who hold those sorts of values, whatever their ethnicity might be.

Okay, I’m taking the movie way too seriously. It’s a somewhat funny movie that’s admirable for it’s low-budget earnestness and that fact that not all of its characters are hollywood beautiful. But it stressed me out completely, so fuck it!

The Decision: I’ll give it to Chicago, but it’s a “lesser of two evils” decision and a narrow one at that. I think those who have not been traumatized by a traditional wedding might prefer MBFGW, but for yours truly it was just too damn terrifying. I haven’t slept for days…

Dr. Wank

PS. The author wishes to express his deepest affections for his wife and his in-laws. The review of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” contains extreme exagerations for comic purposes that might inadvertently be perceived as genuine criticism of real people, but no such criticism is intended. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Nothing ever happens on my tiny street on Tuesday, between noon and one. Nevertheless, you’re not allowed to park there, even if you’re one of those privileged citizens who, like me, have paid the 50$ a year to get a sticker allowing you to park anywhere in the neighborhood. I thought that with the enormous piles of snow that got dumped on the city this weekend, they would be more lenient about the no-parking-on-my-street-on-Tuesday-between-noon-and-one rule. I figured they wouldn’t make everyone dig out their cars and try to squeeze them all onto the neighboring streets, in the non-existing spots between other buried cars and mountains of snow.

But nooooo. I had to do just that this morning. The sad part is, nothing is going to happen on my street between noon and one today. No garbage removal, no recycling removal, no street cleaning, NO SNOW REMOVAL. We’ll just squeeze our poor cars back onto the snowbanks on my street when we come home tonight, only to restart the slip-sliding ballet of spinning wheels and snowbank squeezing on Friday, on the occasion of the equally-mysterious no-parking-on-my-street-on-Friday-between-noon-and-one dance.

We were watching the international weather this morning during breakfast, and I remarked to T that in Norway, a NORDIC country, it’s 20 degrees warmer than here right now. From the information on the weather channel, it seemed we were the coldest city in the entire free world. I used to say, “it isn’t because you’re born somewhere that you have to stay there”. So we’re thinking about opening a depanneur in Nassau, Abidjan, or Dakar.

Every other place in the world would be a thermal improvement.

(picture from Garret Wilson)

This weekend T and I went on a DVD shopping spree. Among the movies I picked up was Emma. Emma, based on the famous 1816 book by Jane Austen, one of England’s most popular and beloved authors.

A year before the movie Emma came out, the utterly forgettable movie Clueless was released. Clueless is based on the story of Emma, but in a Beverly Hills 90210 setting. Imagine spoiled rich valley girls in convertibles, trying to match their friends up while sipping grande lattés at swanky coffee bars. Actual quote: “That’s Ren and Stimpy. They’re way existential.” It’s a bit of an abomination, but not totally unclever in its adaptation of the book.

What does it say on the back of the Emma DVD? “Based on the story that inspired the movie Clueless!!!” Appallingly, no mention of Jane Austen. How’s that for short-sighted marketing? Who will remember “My mother died in a freak accident during a routine liposuctioning” Clueless fifty years from now?

Write in with an emotion or facial look to this guy, and he will act it into his webcam and post it.

Among the already-catalogued emotions: Total Misanthropy, Turning Japanese, Too cool for you, Being Born, Hamster Dance.

Among the pending ones that people have asked for: Goth, Rather Swedish, Got Milk?, Just Peed Myself, Decapitated

To the next person who plans on asking me why I love Norway so much: please read this.

(via Fark)

Took the metro to the new office today, and for the first time, the 18-minute walk from the station felt like an advantage of having moved. It was a tropical 0 degrees, the sun was out and I made sure to walk on the sunny side
screw the wrinkles, I’m wearing cream anyway
of the street.

Got a whole new exercise program made on Monday,
Day 1 legs and abs, then row. Day 2 arms and back, then run. Lather, rinse, repeat.
and one of the contraptions I have to use disturbingly resembles a gynecologist’s chair. Easy to work on, since everything gets clenched just looking at it. A whole new set of body parts are making themselves known to me. I’m always amazed at my trainer’s ability to find new ways of making me ache.

Found out I have yet another exciting business trip lined up. It seems that before I leave for exotic Trois-Rivières, I’ll be spending a week in beautiful New Brunswick. Well, yee haw.

Who knows, maybe after I go clubbing with Bill and the girls, and our Scottish boytoy bitch pimp pet hobbit dear friend Paul tomorrow, I’ll have something more interesting to post.

Shift magazine is stopping publication after next month’s issue. That’s a real shame. The magazine, whose main topic was web culture, was the only one I had ever subscribed to. I picked it up at a newsstand one day, intrigued by the cover story “The Rise and Fall of the Geeks”. I subscribed that very day.

It was always chock-full of interesting, thought-provoking articles, written and put together by intelligent and trendy writers, illustrators and designers. It will be sorely missed. I’m especially sad that not more people got to know it while it was around.