Courtesy of the wonderfully bizarre Dr. Wank (asterisks are mine)
To: The Gang
Subject: Screwing your way to Pluto

In the hung-over aftermath of Gord’s party on Sunday, Jason asked whether the sum of the distance covered by all the thrusting of all the human sex in history has equalled the distance to Pluto. Or to put it more succinctly “I wonder if we’ve f*cked our way to Pluto”. I can’t resist such a “fun with math” challenge, so…

Mean distance to Pluto = 6 000 000 000 km, approximately.
Number of humans ever to have lived = 30 000 000 000, approximately.

From which we get the figure that each human being would have had to engage in .2 km of thrusting, or 200 meters. Assuming the average thrust is 5 cm (yes, yes, there are longer ones, but also a lot of those short grinding ones), that’s 4000 thrusts you have to do in your lifetime to get your quota. Assuming a very modest 20 years of sexual activity on average, with just 20 sex acts per year on average, and just 10 thrusts per sex act (come on, you’ve all been there!), you’ve already done your part. Most of us go way over that.

Mind you, this calculation kind of cheats, in that it gives both partners credit for each thrust. If we want to be fair, we might count each thrust only once for each couple. I won’t get into the debate about “who’s doing all the work”. Either way, this halves our estimate, raising the need for each individual to 8000 thrusts. Still pretty easy to get to: 20 years, 20 acts and a lofty 20 thrusts per act gets you there.

So in conclusion I think we can safely say that we’ve f*cked our way to Pluto. Indeed, we’re getting deeper and deeper into interstellar space each day. And she’s loving it, I can tell.

(lsc’s note: why couldn’t we have problems like that in high school math? oh, and I love my friends)