Another guest blog from Dr. Wank… who gave us his comparison of Predator vs. Breakfast at Tiffany’s a little while back. This time, it’s Big Budget vs. The Independent. “Chicago” vs. “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”… Just so you know, I disagree with him about both movies. You should also know that Dr. Wank had a Big Fat Indian Wedding last summer. Here goes…

Chicago

Spectacular! Flashy! Sexy! Completely and utterly hollow and empty! Loud and obnoxious! Sorry, but I just can’t stand “BIG SINGING” as a means of expressing emotion. I just keep picturing the director flinging his arms up, screaming “Okay darling, now for this last line I want you to sing big! Big! BIG!!! Let’em see your tonsils honey!” Who’s idea was it that this yodelling-based communication system would be a good way to express humour or pathos? It’s cloying, irritating crap! And there’s no story to speak of! This movie is the perfect example of why they should rename the town Hollow-wood. Why can’t they make a big, sexy musical with good music? And a story. Oh, they did. Go see Moulin Rouge instead. Better yet, The Blues Brothers. THAT was a musical, my friends!

*deep breath* Okay, I’m over-doing it. While gratuitously gratuitous would be a good way to describe “Chicago”, I did have kind of a fun time. But there’s no way in HELL this deserves an Oscar for best film! If there was an Oscar for “best pair of h’h'hot chicks”, then it would definitely deserve that (actually, I’m pretty sure that is an MTV Awards category, so give ‘em that statuette!). Renee and Catherine are totally “sppprrrroing!”, but that does not a movie make.

One thing I did like was the slamming of the “trial by media” system we have in North America, portraying reporters as babbling string puppets and lawyers as ventriloquists controlling their clients’ every word. Very biting, especially coming from a musical. Ya, that part was good.

Richard Gere was a bad choice, though. He makes a surprisingly insipid slime-ball. I would have thought it was not much of a stretch for him, but I guess even with that he just can’t manage to actually act. Now me, I would have put Christopher Walken in there. He can dance better, and his attempts at smiling reassuringly would have had the appropriate withering effect that the role required. If you go see the movie, imagine Walken in the role, you’ll have a better time.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Possibly the most terrifying film of all time. Literally? Yes, literally.

It was like some kind of horrible flashback: The alien rituals, the crushingly uncomfortable social situations, the bright flashing colors, the aching stress etched on every smiling face, the multudinous, loud, food-obsessed horde… I kept wanting the scream at the guy “Quick! Run back to Rosie’s Café!”

Really this movie could be called “My Big Fat (Insert ethnicity here) Wedding”, as the stereotypes apply to a great many “traditional cultures”:

1. An obsession with food (”eat! eat!” Oh god! It’s in my head! It’s like nails on a chalk board! Make it stop! *claws own head open*)

2. The need to have every family member in the world around for every little occasion, thus increasing the discomfort of outsiders.

3. A clinging to ancient religious rituals that no one involved still believes in.

4. Patriarchal power structures clumsily overlaid on modern thinking, leading to bizarre indulgences of older men (e.g., people rarely tell them when they’re wrong, and no one ever tells them when their ideas are just plain loony) and subversive manipulation by everyone else.

Yeesh! Elope people! Elope!

*deep breath*
Okay, I’m overdoing it again. My wedding was fine. My wedding was fine happiest day of my life joyous occasion My wedding was fine happiest day of my life joyous occasion My wedding was fine…. [an hour passes]

Okay, I’m better now.

I’ve heard people complain that this movie is racist or prejudiced. But I disagree. The movie portrays a believable set of characters who have negative traits. That these people happen to be of a particular ethnicity doesn’t make it racist, as there’s no evidence in the film that the traits are tied to their ethnicity. Indeed, one distinctly gets the impression that you could substitute in any given “old world” group and get the same movie with different accents.

Essentially the film airs the dirty laundry of families that have an uncomfortable mix of old and new values. The heroine, Tula, wants to be a modern woman: Go to college, fall in love, etc. Her parents want her to marry a nice Greek boy and have babies. Stereotypical attitudes? Maybe, but highly prevalent ones, and I simply don’t see anything wrong with criticizing the kind of people who hold those sorts of values, whatever their ethnicity might be.

Okay, I’m taking the movie way too seriously. It’s a somewhat funny movie that’s admirable for it’s low-budget earnestness and that fact that not all of its characters are hollywood beautiful. But it stressed me out completely, so fuck it!

The Decision: I’ll give it to Chicago, but it’s a “lesser of two evils” decision and a narrow one at that. I think those who have not been traumatized by a traditional wedding might prefer MBFGW, but for yours truly it was just too damn terrifying. I haven’t slept for days…

Dr. Wank

PS. The author wishes to express his deepest affections for his wife and his in-laws. The review of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” contains extreme exagerations for comic purposes that might inadvertently be perceived as genuine criticism of real people, but no such criticism is intended. Thank you, and have a nice day.