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So here, again, is our correspondent Dr. Wank:

In this installment of “Movie vs. Movie” we review a couple of romantic comedies I’ve rented in the last few days. I can hear the throng now: “Two romantic comedies in one week? Something’s horribly wrong with Dr. Wank! Oh yeah, he’s got a bad case of marriage… :-/ ”

“Hohn-hohn, it is to laugh” as the French say! No, all hope is not lost my friends, for these are disturbing and thought-provoking romcoms, so it’s okay. Indeed, these bear very little resemblance to the Meg Ryan/Sandra Bullock dreck you’re thinking of.

Warning, there be spoilers ahead. (LSC’s note: no, keep reading, it’s worth it. I’ll warn you when they’re coming)

First we have Secretary. It starts with a woman in a neck-and-wrists spreader bar (a piece of BDSM gear, look it up) doing secretarial work. Right away I’m thinking “this is gonna be good!” Then it flashes back to the same young woman getting out of a mental institution after an extended stay. Yay! (FYI, Dr. Wank has a weird thing for clinically insane women, though he ended up marrying a shrink, go figure…).

Then the woman turns out to have a “cutting” problem, a fairly common psychological symptom whereby one makes (usually shallow) cuts in one’s skin. Occasionally burning or other forms of physical self-injury occur as well. Well! This woman all of a sudden is reminding me of all my first loves! What a movie!!

So then she goes on to get a secretarial job and her boss turns out to be a weird mix of nervous, domineering and persnickety. James Spader plays this part excellently. The cold domineering lizard-dude thing we’ve seen him do often, but mixing that in with deeply neurotic and emotionally-isolated makes for a very interesting character (no, really!). Far from being put off by this, the Secretary (she deserves capitalization) thrives under it.

(LSC again: ok, now in this paragraph there are spoilers)

At one point it comes to a head and the boss spanks her for typos. At first she’s stunned, but soon gets off on it in a big way. The whole scene seems impossible, but somehow these two actors are able to make it come off. I won’t ruin the rest of the movie, but suffice it to say that while the course of true love never did run straight, it’s rarely run crookeder than this. The final “sitting” scene is especially intense, but I guess it kinda had to be.

What struck me about this movie was how it made us accept things that would usually seem totally sick: A clinically insane girl is verbally abused by her boss. But she likes it. Then he starts hitting her when she makes typos. But she likes it! But then he mistreats her more severely, more emotionally. But that’s okay too, cuz she likes the physical abuse so much that she’s willing to fight through his emotional neglect! Yay! She’s the anti-Mikey, she likes everything!

(spoilers out)

Okay, I don’t think I’m describing this right. You have to see the movie to understand that this is nothing like a “normal” BDSM relationship (ya, ya, “whatever that is”). What I mean is, there’s no “Oh, you’re into that? So am I! Let’s discuss some limits, draw up some forms, and then go into my basement play room and mess around in a completely informed, safety-conscious, consensual way.” No, no, these people are deeply fucked up! The S&M is just the way they happen to express it.

And yet as you watch the movie, it’s like “hee hee, isn’t this weird and quirky?” not “this is sick” (which would be your reaction if any of this shit happened in real life). I am reminded of “I Dream of Genie” where a scantily-clad woman repeatedly pledges her submission to her “master” and begs him to give her stuff to do. And this was daytime American TV in the 70’s! How the hell did they get away with that?

The answer is Barbara Eden. Somehow the way she played the character made it seem fun rather than overtly sexual. I think the same thing happens in Secretary. Maggie Gyllenhaal (change your name dear, no one can remember that, I had to check imdb.com) just gives the role a certain quality that makes it come off as more normal and playful than it otherwise would, though by no means does it get to a “I Dream of Genie” level of comfort and joy.

Man, you know, I think I just fucked up this whole review, looking back over it, I’ve utterly failed to capture the essence of what makes this movie good. Hmm, just go see it, okay?

Okay, next up: Punch Drunk Love.

Adam Sandler plays his usual Happy Gilmore character, but this time in a serious role. Hard to explain this movie too. Basically, Happy is an emotionally repressed weirdo who occasionally freaks out and destroys whatever’s handy. This seems to be brought on by his seven sisters. The implication is that you can’t grow up a normal man with seven sisters. This is completely true.

Anyway, Happy seems to lead a pretty constrained existence, trying to run his toilet plunger company out of an industrial park building in Outer Assholia until he has a weird morning one day. A car crashes right in front of him (he strangely does nothing about it) and someone drops a small organ off in front of his business. He ignores it until She shows up. Emily Watson as the love interest drops her car off at the mechanics’ shop next to Happy’s business the same day, and comments on the organ (”You have a nice little organ!” She says. No not really…). After she leaves, Happy grabs the mini organ and runs back to his office with it, where it stays the rest of the movie.

There ensues yet another “true love is never easy” plot line, with Happy getting fucked over by an evil and vicious phone-sex operator and her 5 blonde brothers. The implication is that it’s impossible to grow up a normal woman with five brothers. This is completely true.

Aside from the analysis of sibling patterns and sanity (which are completely true) the movie provides us with this central message: Love is strength. This is shown both symbolically (Happy runs several times with an organ in his hands, which sounds impressive except that it’s a mini-organ) and literally (Once he’s fallen in love, Happy is able to beat the shit out of multiple opponents who cowed him earlier, including his seven evil sisters). And then there’s a vital sub-plot involving air miles and pudding, but I won’t cover everything…

What makes this movie good? Lots of things. 1) Interesting characters. The suppressed rage of the male lead is presented in an unusual way. He’s not a volcano waiting to explode (he actually explodes quite often, thank you) and he’s not a dark psycho. Instead, he’s a kind of sad and frustrated character worn down by his seven evil sisters (and a dentist, there’s an asshole dentist too, they’re always evil). 2) Interesting actors. All of the people in this film are just fun to look at, I’ll leave it at that. Luis Guzman as a supporting actor always raises a movie up a notch. 3) Music. The use of music and sound in this film is awesome. Example: A normal encounter between Happy, his love interest, and one of the evil sisters is turned into a horrible manic terror simply by the background music. Basically, Happy’s mental state is always given to us straight-up by the sound track of the movie, belying a visual appearance that is often very different. Extremely well done.

So now the verdict. Does PDL knock out the competition, or will it get spanked by Secretary? (Heh heh, I should write sports.) Actually, I’m honestly having a really hard time deciding between these two. Both are unusual dark romcoms that actually have a point and provide the viewer with interesting characters played by interesting actors. PDL has better sound, but Secretary has better visuals. I’m tempted to give Secretary the victory because it has S&M in it, but that smacks of the “Tits+Bullets=Rating” movie reviewing technique. Anyway, I identify more with the characters in PDL.

Hmm, yup I think we have our first draw in the “Movie vs. Movie” review series. See ‘em both, I say!

Oh, and Spellbound, see Spellbound! It’s a documentary about spelling, but it’s good!

Dr. Wank