I’m not at all convinced you should really get to the point of “going without”, as you so put it. You may think it’s unnecessary, but you’d be kidding yourself.

I know. It’s just that I never thought I’d enjoy being alone so much. I am desperate to hold on to that freedom a while longer. I want to live it through until I am sated.

Sated of what, exactly?

The absence of all those things I never realized had been weighing on me. To come home from brunch with a friend and not hearing, “Boy, you sure dressed nice for him”. Spending a twelve-hour Sunday with a girlfriend if I feel like it, without checking in, and without feeling like I’m neglecting or hurting anyone. Not feeling guilty about going out Saturday night when he feels like staying in. Being able to drop everything and go be with that friend who’s crying on the other end of the line.

But aren’t constraints part of any good relationship?

Of course. I have no doubt that someday I’ll want them again. Just like I have no doubt that I wouldn’t handle them well right now.

You don’t sound like you’re thoroughly enjoying this time, though. I sense some frustration. Are you sure you wouldn’t be better off enjoying at least a little bit of company?

Well, in reality, it’s never as simple as that. There are always feelings of attachment, and then, invariably, you get cast as a bad person, no matter how open you are about your intentions (or lack thereof). So it’s not really an option. I feel like I’ve told you this at various times over the past 10 years, but it’s still true.

I know. But I’ve heard myself tell you that you should remain a free roaming ship more than once. But I did imply meeting up with other ships.

Impossible. They act as if I forced them to become attached, to get all sorts of ideas in their heads. I admit it happens less as we get older, as skins get thicker. But my guard is still up. Is it that bad not to want to owe anything to anyone, just right now?

Well, no. And only the truly cold-hearted can avoid becoming attached.

That’s a good thing, in general, but not for me, not right now.

Those who get emotional over you, they suffer the classic problem, they would like to wake up next to a sweet girl. Don’t be too harsh on them.

See, well that’s the thing. Nobody ever says “He’s a big boy, he knew what he was getting into”. They just say “Don’t you be harsh”. Worst of it is, I’ve internalized that judgment. I feel harsh and selfish.