Excerpt:

LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions — Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf — in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose niece, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!

LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I’m just reading the script.

GIMLI: Well, I’m really short!

(Laughter)

LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It’s time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!

LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.

SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

For the rest, visit Dave Barry at the Miami Herald.